Now that the dust has started to settle from the US Elections we’re going to have to face up to the fact that there is basically going to be a toddler in The White House.
We all know that toddlers can be power crazed little dictators, and this amusing idea has kept me from sinking into despair over the past 48 hours.
So here’s my analysis of how an actual toddler might conduct themselves if handed the keys to the world’s foremost superpower.
Let’s call him President Pump to lessen the risk of libel action or being targeted by a tactical cruise missile.
- Foreign policy
A toddler’s world view is very narrow. They only really care about what is happening in their own back yard and have very little knowledge of or interest in other countries. In fact they probably couldn’t name any.
So I suspect that President Pump would be perplexed by the need to engage in any kind of diplomacy with toddlers from abroad. Let’s imagine that President Poo Tin has come round for his first play date, along with his ambassadors (parents).
Our shrewd leader would possibly offer his counterpart a half eaten biscuit as a bargaining chip but he would NOT allow them to play with any of his toys. He would however be able to learn their version of toddlereze very easily as all young children are hardwired to be linguists.
So after an initial stand-off and a bit of gentle tussling (possibly half-naked) President Pump would likely settle down on the Oval Office carpet and play next to, but not with, his visiting dignitary for anything up to half an hour.
And when the time came for the Russian Bear to leave, President Pump would either a) refuse point-blank to say goodbye OR b) follow their entourage to the door of The White House and wave vigorously while shouting “BYYYYYYE BYYYYYE. BYE AMBOWSEEDOOR. SEE YOU SOOOOON!” until their cavalcade had departed.
Ten minutes later he will have forgotten they ever existed.
- The Economy
Toddlers have no concept of money or the value of things. President Pump has been raised from birth in a bubble of impossible privilege. His every whim has been met and he has been showered with toys, clothes and other gifts.
On visits to malls (supermarkets) he cannot pass the toy aisle without spotting the latest essential addition to his overflowing collection of tat. His Secret Service Agents will invariably attempt to distract the president (“Oh look sir – shall we go and choose something yummy for lunch?”) but the POTUS will not be moved.
“I waaant it. I WAAAAAANT IT!”
The leader of the free world’s wailing fills the mall as his Chief of Staff shuffles nervously and smiles at the assembled press. After ten minutes of lying on the ground President Pump will get up and be satisfied with a yoghurt. He eats it before he gets to the checkouts. President Pump doesn’t know any better. He has never had to pay for anything in his life.
Back at The White House, President Pump likes to play shops.
“Would you like buy in my shop?”
His Secret Service Agents heave a long-suffering sigh.
“Yes please Mr President. What do you have in your shop today?”
“Lollies and ice cream! You want some lolly? Is very yummy!”
President Pump hands them some plastic lollies AND some money.
“Err. No I give YOU the money Mr President sir.”
But President Pump has jammed his fingers in the till and needs bailing out again. His security detail have never been paid. Oh, and they do all the other jobs in the White House, and have never had a day off, in case you were wondering.
- Law and Order
A sense of justice does seem to be innate and most toddlers will spot when someone has done something naughty.
In the morning when President Pump comes into the Oval Office he may spy that Socks the cat has been sick on the carpet. If Socks is present he will likely find himself on the end of a dressing down.
“SOCKS! You very naughty. You made a mess in my big house!”
And the President’s understanding of the US justice system will be in-depth as his advisors will spend much of their time dealing with his many and frequent indiscretions.
Late night noise, vandalism, verbal abuse, public urination, general anti-social behaviour, physical assaults, unauthorised use of other people’s emails and social media (oh the irony President Pump) and sadly, a great deal of inappropriate touching.
“Your boobies funny! I like them!”
President Pump will stop whatever he is doing and plant his podgy hands firmly and without shame on the breasts of visiting women. The White House Office staff will be constantly ashamed of his behaviour.
Sanctions will not be understood by the President, who will also use the N-word (NO!) frequently and repeat any offensive phrase he hears over and over. The Supreme Judge will be forced to make frequent use of the Naughty Step, Time Out, Removal of Favourite Toys and Verbal Admonishment (always making sure they get down to his level) and there is very high chance of impeachment before the first year of his term is up.
The President is however a great believer in the power of redemption and encouraging himself and others to be the best they can be. Star charts will therefore be mandatory in every American home.
President Pump has a lot to learn about the world. His knowledge is practically zero. But on the plus side he is a fast learner, usually through trial and error. His policy on education will be for everyone to play all day.
If it’s cold or raining the population could amuse themselves finger-painting, sculpting with dough, colouring in (don’t worry about going over the lines), or the President’s favourite – playing with his toy guns.
If the sun is out the American people might spot their leader chasing pigeons on the White House lawn, making mud pies, jumping in puddles, or simply lying down on the grass watching a snail.
The days of the average American will become much less stressful. The emphasis will be on pursuing your personal dream, individuals entitled to enjoy their pursuits even if it means other people might not be able to play because you’ve taken their toys, trampled in their sandpit, kicked their ball over a fence, or torn the pages out of their favourite books.
One day he might need to go to school to learn about stuff. But President Pump will likely have got bored of being in charge in a couple of years, long before he has to grow up.
- The Environment
You’re kidding right? Every attempt by previous administrations to create a well cared for and harmonious world will be utterly trashed by President Pump. He has complete and utter disregard for the environment.
The White House lawn will be the first victim, covered in ruts from his trike wheels, dug up at random to create freeways for his toy cars, and eventually a great mud pit ever-increasing in size will be dug in the middle.
Fossil fuel energy companies will be able to do whatever they like. All they’ll need to do is show him some massive diggers and bulldozers and the President will sign any order giving them free reign to build pipelines, frack national parks, and build oil rigs in sensitive ocean habitats.
Yes President Pump loves planes. And cars. And trucks. Trains too but not electric ones. The car will be king and Detroit will be Motown again as our toddler leader orders every American to buy more cars.
He can however be encouraged to put his litter in the bin. “Good boy Mr President” his special advisors say with pride.
And finally, there’s Defence…
Actually, I can’t even bring myself to think about this one. After all, toddlers have little self-control, are prone to fits of temper, and lash out without warning (often at their own advisors).
President Pump has his podgy little hands on the world’s biggest military arsenal and lots of big rockets.
Can someone give him his dummy back before it’s too late?
Categories: Big Issues